Van Der Merwe

Van Der Merwe


"Hello, is this the SAP?" (South African Police)
"Yes. What you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Fanie van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga (marijuana) inside his firewood."
"really.... Thank you for your cooperation and information in combatting crime and violence, in our society sir."
The next day, the SAP descended on Fanie's house. They search the braai lapa (BBQ area) where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga. They shout and swear at Fanie and leave.
"Hey, Fanie! Did the SAP come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday Boet!"


Schalk burst into Van's room to find Van standing on a chair with a rope around his waist and the end of the rope around the ceiling beam.
"Hey Van, what do you think you're doing?" said Schalk.
"I'm committing suicide," replied Van.
"Well you're going about it all wrong," said Schalk. "You're supposed to tie the rope around your neck, not your waist."
"Man, but I tried that yesterday and I nearly choked|."


Van der Merwe was watching a rugby test against the British Lions at Loftus Versfeld stadium in Pretoria. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - next to Van der Merwe.
"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.
"It's for my wife."
"But why isn't she here?"
"She died."
"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"
"They've all gone to her funeral."


Van der Merwe goes to Paris to watch the Boks take on the Brits at the world cup.
Whilst in Paris, he walks around, gaping and staring at everything - so much so that he walks smack bang into a fire hydrant which hits him so hard on the family jewels that he has to be rushed to hospital where the doctors tell him they have to remove his testicles.
Van goes berserk, he bites and snarls at every one and he won't let anybody within 10 metres of him. Eventually they find a South African doctor in the hospital and get him to talk to Van.
He walks up to Van and tells him "Hey Van, die ouens moet jou knaters uithaal."
Van replies "O, okay, ek dog die bliksems wil my test tickets vat."


So van der Merwe goes to the railway station, and at the ticket office asks: "A return ticket please."
Ticket man: "Where to please?"
Van: "Back here, of course, man!"

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